The German chancellor Angela Merkel last week called the US President Barack Obama to express her anger at the US National Security Agency monitoring her mobile phone. “Handy” is the German word for mobile phone and the chancellor, who is a keen mobile user, is called die Handy-Kanzlerin.
By all accounts the chancellor was not as friendly with the President as she is with our Taoiseach, as we can exclusively reveal. Remember: newspapers will never die as long as they bring you these amazing revelations.
‘I vant to speak to zee President please. Barking O’Barmy, zee dark Irishman.’
‘Hi, Angie baby, this is Barack.’
‘Do not baby me boy. Vat is de feening of listening into my telephone talkies, ave you no shame? I never heard of such thing in all these days. Shame on you. I vill close down your base in Germany if you do not get off my handy.’
‘You want me to hang up Angie sweetie?’
‘I am not your sveetie. I vant US National Security Agency to stop monitoring my handy phone falls. Stop this eavesdripping.’
‘It’s dropping, Angie honeychild. Eavesdropping. Besides. I wouldn’t do a thing like that. Why can you imagine if Michelle found out? She would kill me. Angie you’re some mean broad but you ain’t nottin’ compared to my boss. Why she’s out there in the garden plantin’ some weed, I mean cauliflower or cabbage, or some darn thing like that and I can tell you, you don’t mess with that woman. No sir. I mean, mame. It’s those Frenchies. Heck, they’re the ones that started this. Now why don’t you just hop on over here to the White House and we can have a fireside chat and a beer and some cookies.’
‘Get off my handy. I don’t eat cookies and next time you come to Berlin, zee Brandenburg will be shut. Auf Wiedersehen.’
‘Yeah, Angie baby. That’s what I said. She’s out weedin’ again. And she ain’t nobody to mess with.’